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An image of pizza with ham and pineapple on it.
  • NAME: pineapple pizza
  • DESCRIPTION: it's just hard to think of a way to improve it. it's the apotheosis of every good flavor in the world.
  • RANKING: 11/10, S+ tier
An image of a pizza crust with no toppings on the left, and scattered sausage on the right.
  • NAME: none pizza with right sausage
  • DESCRIPTION: what is there to say about none pizzas that hasn't been said already? it's masterful. a work of art. truly, incredible. modern art. put none pizzas with directional toppings in the moma.
  • RANKING: 10/10, absolutely perfect
A concentric circle of pizza, wrapped around a brownie topped with M&Ms.
  • NAME: pizza from the furthest ring
  • DESCRIPTION: i was going to give this pizza an earnest rating, but the more i look at it, the more i feel as though i am a very small being in a very, very large world. i feel as though this pizza has lived aeons and aeons beyond what my own soul has. this pizza has seen the end of the universe. this is what derse dreamers communicate with in their dreams.
  • RANKING: never been more glad i was a prospit dreamer/10
A blackened, burnt pizza.
  • NAME: charred pizza
  • DESCRIPTION: i feel like i know this pizza. this pizza is my friend. i loaned this pizza 20 dollars and they paypalled me back within an hour, with interest. this pizza is very good. it doesn't quite reach the level of transcendence that none pizza does, but it's still a very, very good and friendly pizza.
  • RANKING: 9/10. i should be a better friend.
A marketing image of Campbell's Chunky Pizza soup.
  • NAME: campbell's pizza soup
  • DESCRIPTION: it's soup. it's fucking soup. why is that fucking soup listed next to pizzas. what the fuck. what the fuck. that being said, this soup pizza evokes a preternatural feeling of warmth and friendliness at first. but as i look closer, that warmth and friendliness is replaced with toxic masculinity as it markets itself with hard letters and sausage, the objective worst topping for a pizza.
  • RANKING: 7/10. you can do better.
A screenshot of a pizza topping editor, with the toppings laid out to mimic loss.jpg.
  • NAME: loss pizza
  • DESCRIPTION: i have nothing to say about this pizza. it's perfectly average, with okay toppings arranged in an okay pattern to make an okay meme from an okay company. this pizza is as okay as you can get. i would not fault you for enjoying this pizza.
  • RANKING: 5/10
A pizza topped with hot dog slices, steak fries, with barbecue sauce drizzled on top.
  • NAME: hot dog + steak fries pizza
  • DESCRIPTION: an earnest concept that is marred by lackluster execution and being kinda gross to look at. it looks more like a dessert pizza than it does a meaty steak fries pizza, and it loses points for that. sorry, hot dog and steak fries pizza, not today.
  • RANKING: 5/10
A marketing image for a sandwich with cheese, hot dog slices, and various other... things? on it.
  • NAME: pizzaburger hot dog
  • DESCRIPTION: science has gone too far.
  • RANKING: god weeps for her creations.
A pizza on a rack that has fallen through the gap in the cooking rack and forms the shape of a mushroom cloud.
  • NAME: mushroom cloud pizza
  • DESCRIPTION: this pizza is good if you long for the memories of nuclear war, before you had to move into the vault, but its unique shape and cooking methods are absolutely atrocious to try and consume in a normal meal.
  • RANKING: fallout 76/10
A pizza that is colored and topped to look like an American flag.
  • NAME: american pizza
  • DESCRIPTION: looking at this pizza gives me guttural reactions similar to the feeling of finding a blog run by someone who is factkin with andrew jackson. this guttural reaction makes this pizza impossible to stomach, and its patriotism is not respected.
  • RANKING: 1/10
A pizza that is just... disgusting. I don't know how to put words to this one, other than it looks like it's topped with a sheet of plastic. It's vile.
  • NAME: plasticine mold pizza
  • DESCRIPTION: it's absolutely revolting to look at. if i had to pick a pizza that would be the most likely to support gamergate, this would be the one. this pizza probably harbors the worst opinions out of the bunch, and you should probably put this pizza on your blocklist before you put it in your mouth.
  • RANKING: 0/10
A normal cheese pizza that is cut into squares.
  • NAME: party cut pizza
  • DESCRIPTION: if i wanted pizza bites i'd have made pizza rolls. leave a comment on my webzone and i will mail you a pizza roll. probably more substance to a pizza roll that's been in the post transit system for a week than there is a party cut pizza.
  • RANKING: you know what? fuck this. fuck you./10
A pizza with a large dollop of mayo on it.
  • NAME: mayonaise pizza
  • DESCRIPTION: it's egg. it's egg. it's egg. it's fucking egg pizza jesus christ. only a hell man would put hellmann's on a pizza. absolutely atrocious and the worst thing i have ever seen.
  • RANKING: log off.